Search

When I care for what I do,
The joy it brings is infinite
If i dont know what to care about
Life is just a miserable plight

The sight of beauty makes me wish
for the insanity of losing control
for the will to go in an unknown path
and wander away in a hazy stroll

My search is for a joy sublime
The wish to drown and forget time
A goal that beckons my sense of life
A peak that will make my ego strive

What is the matter with me?

why cant i see things in the right perspective?
why cant i get the negativity out of my mind?

i dont trust any one.. i dont trust my abilities.. (if i have any)

things just .. wait to erupt.. and i feel bad .. why i am i out for a kill? and whom do i want to kill?
what do i get out of it?

why shud i make every one feel bad ? how can i keep my antagonism in control?

i shud try.. i shud.. and i shud focus on here and now on.

how to get the days right?

Poor J called me up at 9 to wake me up.. and i woke up and went back to sleep again ..
so today i will be up till 3!! :((... some times .. i just cant control my sleep..
him and A.. they have pulled me through my time here.. I am glad they are around..

I will go to school.. eat lunch as soon as i reach school..and then kill some time.. and then coffee..
by then it is already .. 5 !! end of day..

Hate this mediocre days.. and bugging days.
gottago .. dont wanna make it worse..

Hey this font i type in ..is nice.. when i am typing. when the letters appear.. it looks so pretty :)
hee hee.....

Some days just go like this..

I am here .. supposed to be working on my thesis. I have an idea of what should be in it.
But then i am not prepared enough to be able to just sit and write everything .. i have to look here and there.. and then .. it grows.. i digress ..and then digress from the digression and so on ..

It is all that rain outside.. and thunderstorms.. it is some how envigorating to see those lightnings..
i love them.. i cant understand people who dont like rains..

I put up posters of my bike for sale today.. the rain will drench it !! but what the heck !
who cares .. I have been yearning for this..

i feel i am writing for people to read.. so i will stop. . that is all .. hope i will finish my chapter on singular perturbation theory today.

Lowest... in morale..

I want to be there ... where I can feel good .. about my job.. and I feel proud about my work and my achievements.. I will wait along .. that is all..

Lowest... in morale..

There is a simple .. really simple Lyapunov function.. I wrote the code..
and then I put it in the main program..
IT doesnt work...
Tomorrow.. I have to go to Florida.. the conference.. or whatever..
dont know how i will stand 36 .. REALLY 36 presentations in a day..

Frustrated is not the word.. given up is more like it.

Frustrated with research

I really wish I had some intuition in to this example I want to be able to say why such a phenomena is occuring.. why the variables are speeding up. When I do a simulation, before things happen .. i should be expecting it.. :D .. not trying to cook up explanations later..

It is frustrating.. this is the time when i wander off from my main aim.. and begin typing useless stuff.

there are 8 Differential equations and a bunch of algebraic constraints.

why does a small variation in one element set the boat sailing??
what could be wrong??
Here are the things that cud have gone wrong:
- Some really hi-fi stiff systems singularity induced bifurcation
- Just a typo error in our equations
- Lack of enough feedback in the controllers
- DONT FREAKING KNOW :((

that is it for now.. lemme build a similar system in a different environment and see what happens.

The beginning

Here is where I will write things when I am really jobless. It means the site will run out of space soon :)
I have always been an audience-obsessed person. My interest, care, enthusiasm, objectivity, intellect, opinions have all been the audience oriented. What I say depends entirely on who I say to. Infact, I dont know what I actually am apart from what I potray to my audience. I have this knife in my hand trying to chop of the pretentious portions .. but it keeps missing..

ASIDE: right now, I am thinking , who is the intended reader ?? of this blog??

Anyways... this audience is so much a part of me.. that even my lifestyle, my hygiene, my virtues, my vices are all circumstantial.. and audience based. I am a chameleon in true terms.
I dont have a color without my surroundings.

So this is yet another attempt to try to be MYSELF... Let us see how it goes..

I am actually thinking of whom will I pass this blog link to.. Let me see how long am I able to resist that..
day is May 2nd 2005.